I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
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Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.