Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
You Might Also Like
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha