I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
You Might Also Like
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.