A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
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My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false