we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
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Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Ha.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.