Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
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If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.