[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
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I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Pee pressure > peer pressure
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that