Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
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Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Lmao 🤣
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
asking santa clause for nudes
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.