Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
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so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”