[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
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Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Cheer up.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.