When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
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Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
You wish you had this many chins.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.