I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
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BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Beauty and the Beast
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?