Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
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Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
the rocks need my help
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!