MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
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“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
do what now??
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.