Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
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Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers