The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
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Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Ron is short for Aaronald
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
If only
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind: