I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
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The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Cool shirt 🙂
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life