There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
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My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
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If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything