I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
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A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
can’t catch a break
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
That’s enough internet for the day