It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
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welp
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
inventing words: clothing
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.