I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
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Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.