Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
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The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker