I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
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Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Sponch
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
This can never not be funny 😭😭
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming