There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
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Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
every college guy’s fridge
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.