Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
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This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Cat is stressing him out.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now