This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
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When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Gods work.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles