Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
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The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING