GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
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Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.