Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
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Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha