I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
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The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Cats are still liquid.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”