Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
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Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?