Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
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let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.