“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
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When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues