Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
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My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about