Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
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People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
I am a gravy boat captain
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
can’t talk my ride’s here
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL