instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
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me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
The prophecy is fulfilled
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.