Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
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Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Confused owl: What?!
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!