[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
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I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉