This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
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Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs