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lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.