One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
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[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Netflix and you sit over there.
Thrilling chase underway
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]