*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
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My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Bros before Ohioes
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb