Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
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Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?