let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
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Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up