Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
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I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..