Always 🥴
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All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.