I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
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I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
me doing my best
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.