My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
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Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I created you as mosquito food.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.