They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
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I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.