A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
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DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Worth a try
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike: